January 3rd

somehow still beaming from how incredible new years was im even making my parents suspicious cause theyve never seen me this happy so ive been keeping it under wraps best i can but i have to rant about it here

ive sorta always felt like there was a magical world out there in some corner of the city filled with confident and fun trans people willing to take me in and care for me but i always felt locked from it, like i didnt deserve it, they were the good trannies who earned their slice of tranny heaven and i was one of the bad ones, the damned, i was always meant to live my life in dissosiative isolation, i was lucky for every day i didnt spend hating myself

on new years that changed

i was let into that tranny heaven just a little bit but with the message that it is in fact open for me, that i wasnt really damned

its hard to believe, and people say that phrase a lot but i really mean it, like a big part of me doesnt want to believe it, doesnt want that hope, and i know why

that hope will kill whats left of me if i let it